Do you have a beard?

I did not think that women had a beard, but boy I was wrong.

I've got a beard! I often say that I should let it grow, so I can be Santa next Christmas.

The secret lies in a pill called Medrol, a cortisone / steroid we get, we who have cancer of the head. If you are so unfortunate that you forget to put it in a gelatin capsule, you have a metallic taste in the mouth the rest of the day. Heavy!

The drug is on the WADA doping list, and is probably not used in the sport, because here is revealed, out of the side effects, it is a known phenomenon that the hair grows in the strangest places, and your face will swell. Cool, huh?

Since I find it a little embarrassing to walk around with a beard, it was now time to remove it. Again. I found a cream that is quite gentle on the skin. An affordable, pink box from Vita, "Andrea Visage Clair - Gentle hair remover for the face." In the picture you can see how beautiful you have to be in 8 minutes while the cream works. Gorgeous!

But if you need a Santa, so remember to speak out in good time, because this beard does not grow very fast.

Have no fear

This blog post will be about death. If you do not want to know, you do not need to read further.

My previous blog post was well received by many, and I am touched by all the good words and support.

Death is a difficult subject, and not everyone thinks it's appropriate to talk about, often because the fear of death.

For me it was important to know. Get to know more about what is coming and how the time before death will be.

Most often you get time to prepare for death when you know that you are seriously ill, and you will feel it in your body that it becomes weaker.

I was afraid of death, but that was before. It was before I learned about what happens when death is coming. Fortunately, I met people who took the time and listened to me and gave me answers about the things I was wondering about. I said I was scared and I wanted to know.

"How is it to die? Will I be in pain? Will it take time?"

Then I got answers, You should not be afraid that it will hurt, because you get medication, and for the most part you will sleep. The body is in a way outside of yourself. And then one is awake sometimes. You do not need food when you die, not intravenously either. There are many families who think that you are starving to death then, but it hurts worse to be nurtured.

But it is important to moisten the mouth and give good oral care. No one knows how long death takes, it can take anywhere from days to weeks.

There is a special tranquility around the dying, and usually one just "fall asleep". And life is over.

"Where shall I be when I die?" many think. In the hospital? Home?

Hospice Lovisenberg is a great place to be staying those last days. They have long and good experience with caring for patients and their loved ones in this phase. And I want to be there when the time comes.

Cancer Gladiators

Why are so many blogging about their lives as cancer patients several years after they are cured? As if nobody are living with cancer today and no one dies of cancer.

Amazons were notorious archers,
and they removed the right boob
to clear the path for the bowstring.

On Tuesday when I was at the day unit at the hospital, we talked about death. Yes, because all of us who are there on Tuesdays have cancer, and we can not be cured.

Everyone of us knows that we are going to die soon, and that we do not have much time left. All of us who are there on Tuesdays, get there in a taxi, because we can not get there on our own and we are not able to get home on our own either.

About Death: What do people think it is like living like this? Knowing that no doctor nor any medicine can heal you? Do you think we sit depressed? Do you think we sit and feel sorry for ourselves and say that life is unfair? Sure, some of us cry sometimes, and some of us look tired, but we do not complain. But we understand, we understand how the others are.

We also understand that someone who has recovered may complain that the new reconstructed boobs does hurt a little, or that scar looks a little ugly. It is also understandable with a celebratory blog post when it is five years since you were declared cured. But you can not forget for five long years to change the name of the blog, "my life as a cancer patient."

Remember, there are still many people who die of cancer. Also of breast cancer. Unfortunately this serious fact drowns in the loud displeasure of the cured who complains about tits and reconstruction.

While today's cancer patients are fighting an uneven battle, as gladiators greeting Caesar, "we who shall die salute you."

These are the details

For quite a while I had had a nasty feeling in my stomach that something was not quite as it should be. I decided to go to the doctor. The small lump inside my breast never went away after breastfeeding, this made me uneasy.

 

So 26th May I was at the doctor after having waited for a couple of weeks for an appointment. She did not like what she saw, but did not think about cancer since the lump was so huge and since I was under evaluation for neurofibromatosis type 1. But she said she would send the referral. 

 

After a few days I called Ullevål hospital to check if they had received my doctor's refferal, but they could not find it. So I called for it first once, then a second time and a third time. Then I got angry and asked the secretary to fax it directly to Ullevål. That was Monday and now the days went like this:

Monday 21 June: 

I call Ullevaal hospital to hear if they have got my doctor's referral. The answer was no. After a few phone calls back and forth it is faxed there. I call and they confirm that it has arrived. I also tell a bit about the lump in my boob and say that I have started to get scared because my boobs have started to swell and get tender and warm and I was swollen under my arm. I ask if I can get an appointment before I go on vacation. They say they will evaluate my case. An hour later the phone rings. “Can you come Wednesday?” “Of course”, I answered.

Tuesday 22 June:
The day is spent thinking. What if there is something dangerous? I tell myself that it sure is something completely harmless they probably can remove.

Wednesday 23 June:
The day came. I went to the hospital for mammography screening. I had heard a lot about it being so uncomfortable, but it was not. After the screening I was told to wait. Then I was told I had to come in for an ultrasound examination of my boob and was told that I had to take some tests. They did not say much really.

There was only one doctor there and after all the tests were done, there were five people. I asked when I would get to know the results. They said about 2-3 days, and the nurse said she would go and find me an appointment. Then all of them was gone.

I had to wait a little while till she came back. She told me: “You have to come back tomorrow. Do you have someone to accompany you? It is good to bring someone to make sure you get all the information provided.”
“And that means?”, I tried to ask. “Am I sick? Do I have cancer?” She only said “we'll see you tomorrow - meet at the cancer center - do you know where it is?” 
Then I left. I was going to work.

At the kindergarten I went straight to my “boss”.
“I can not stand being here today, can I go home?” I asked. We kept sitting and talking and agreed to tell my colleagues that I were going to get a “bad” message tomorrow, and then she drove me home. I got lots of good hugs and comforting words of my colleagues before I left for home. I tried to relax as good as possible the rest of the day, in fact I slept well that night.

Thursday 24 June:
Then the day arrived. I was sitting in the waiting room and thought I would be crazy.The minutes went so slowly and it was not better when someone came in and said that there were some delays and probably a while to wait.

Finally I was called. I knew what was coming, but I had a little hope that they would say that this was nothing dangerous and that I could completely relax and go home. Then she said: “Unfortunately we have found a malignant tumor in your breast with spread to a few lymph nodes under the arm.”
Then came all the tears.
 
I got a lot of information about what's going to happen in the future; chemotherapy, removal of the breast, more chemotherapy and radiation. “You're going to lose your hair and be prepared that this takes time and that there will be many rough strains.”
“What about my job?” I asked. “You just have to prepare your boss that you will be away for at least half a year.”

Then it was time to go home and tell family and friends and colleagues about my condition. What I dreaded the most was to tell my children, but they took it just fine. I wanted to tell about it myself, and there were some tough phones and some text messages that went out that day.
 
I went to work aswell, I wanted to tell them too - it was so good to get it out, and it was so good to see all the care and all the good hugs they meet me with. We cried and wiped tears together.
Thanks everyone for all your support so far.

To know how it goes forward with me, follow this blog.

I've got breast cancer

It has been a couple of days since I got the final message. It is not easy, but I try the best I can to think positive – saying to myself this will go well. And it will, I guess.

It is good to meet so many good people you know who are helping bringing hope, who cry a few tears together with me.

And I have my family around me. My three wonderful children and my husband. I would never managed without them. We shall fight this fight together and take all the tough turns.

I shall get well – but it will take time. I hope I manage to be this strong when things are at its worst. I guess I haven't got the full grasp of the situation just yet.